Prayers for wisdom

I don't mean to brag, but I'm no dummy. I graduated in the top 10% of my class in high school and then with honors in college. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am a genius or anything....but I do okay when it comes to book learning. But nothing....let me say it again....NOTHING....has made me feel quite so stupid as becoming a mom.

Time after time I am faced with decisions and situations that are mind boggling. What do you do when your toddler throws themselves on the floor and if crying so violently they may just heave? How should you respond when your son asks you why God can't come into you heart....why does it have to be Jesus? What's the appropriate way to squelch sibling rivalry? See....I feel stupid....I don't have the answers to those questions.

And yesterday I felt my mommy IQ drop a few more points. I got an email from Kaleb's teacher saying that his behavior is getting worse in class. It's not so much that he is disrespectful, but that he consistently gets off task. He dances in the hall, plays in the bathroom, gets out of his seat, sings while he works, talks while the teacher is talking, and meanders around the room. None of those things shock me about my little man. But, hearing that he has become a significant disruption to the class is heartbreaking to me.

The teacher assured me that academically he is at the top of his class....learning to read and write very quickly. But, she was hoping his behavior would have calmed down by now. Me too. And I am not really sure how to help me. We offer rewards, we are consistent with discipline, we encourage, reprimand, and pray....pray....and pray some more.

Yesterday I just felt defeated. I felt like everything we are trying to accomplish with Kaleb is not "sticking." I felt worthless as a mom. I felt embarrassed and sad. I don't want my kid to be "that kid" that teachers talk about in the workroom and that they are glad when they are absent. I want him to be someone who does the right thing. I want....

....wait....I am having a revelation. I am sensing the Lord's voice even as I type this....

When you boil it all the way down, what I am really worried about is not Kaleb at all. What I am really concerned with is that people see me as a good mom. OUCH! That's not a very pleasant revelation. But, praise be to God for speaking His truth into my life so that I can look more like Him.

Lord...may I put my kids needs above my own desires. May I truly seek what is best for them. Would you intervene in their lives in such a way that they will surrender themselves to you and live a life that pleases YOU. And may you intervene in my life in such a way that I will die to myself and give you total control over the way I see myself and how I parent my children.

Friends, will you continue to pray for my sweet Kaleb? He is such a precious boy and I want people to get to see the sweet and sensitive heart that is inside him. He truly loves people and he truly wants to see people be happy. He is willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order to give someone else what they want.

I don't want people to be put off by his inability to focus and be still that they miss who he REALLY is. Pray that he will develop self control. Pray that Rayden and I will have wisdom as we teach him and as we provide rewards and punishments. And pray for wisdom as we begin researching ways to help him through diet, vitamins, and possibly even medication (we are going to investigate with doctors and counselors the possibility of adhd). Mostly though, pray that my little man will honor God in every way.

trick or treat

There was much debate over what to be for Halloween this year. Let me rephrase that...Kaleb changed his mind alot about what he wanted to be for Halloween this year. I think he made a great choice!

Obi Wan Kanobi (or as his daddy calls him...Obi Wan KaNathan). and, yes, I made that costume myself....thank you very much!

Is that not the sweetest Dorothy you have ever seen? There truly is "no place like home"

Mario....this kid is hilarious!

Ready to head out the door to trick or treat. This was our first year to go door to door....they had a blast. and now we have enough candy to last us the next 3 years.

Lots to catch up on

I have not blogged in quite sometime. Part of the reason is because instead of writing a blog I have been enjoying....nay, obsessed with....reading other peoples. I am pretty much stalking these coupon blogs. I am scoring deals that you would not believe. I barely believe them myself, but I have the receipts to prove them! The other reason is that I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water right now. I have a mother that I just moved into an assisted living facility, a church that is in financial CRISIS, a daughter who has learned how to throw tantrums, and a kindergartner with no self control (and no, I am not exaggerating....I got an email from his teacher today supporting that statement). But, all that aside....I am back. I will catch you up bit by bit until we find ourselves in the mess that is called today.







First, we took a trip to St. Louis! Hooray! We tried to go over Fall Break, but mom wasn't doing well so we had to postpone. I'm really glad we did. We had such a great time. And it was so freeing to go out of town knowing that my mom was cared for and that she was safe. What a tremendous relief. While in St. Louis we bunked up in my dad's apartment. He made the most amazing cookies! I ate WAY TOO MANY of them....how I managed to still lose 1.6 pounds that week is beyond me, but hey....if the cookie diet works....you don't question it....you just go with it!

We went to Six flags and the Magic house. Both were tremendous amounts of fun. The boys loved seeing the characters at Six Flags, and we realized we have a little daredevil in our family. Nathan displayed no fear as he marched himself on to the Screaming Eagle and rode with his hands up the entire time. Kaleb.....not so much. He did do the mine train, but he was not pleased with the drop at the end....he's pretty sure at this point that roller coasters are not his thing.
It was great to have Uncle Joshie and Susan meet us at the Magic House. I miss my brother like crazy so I am blessed every second I get to spend with him. My kids thought it was pretty cool too....they are awfully fond of all their uncles!

Isn't this picture hilarious? I love love love it!

Another adventure we had was getting Aubri's very first haircut. I know, I know, she is well past turning two....how on earth have I not even trimmed her hair yet? The answer? Simple...I don't know. I was waiting to see what those little front and side hairs were going to do. Finally, I had to cave. My sweet little angel began to rock a pretty hard core mullet. The back kept getting longer and longer, but those front hairs were having an identity crisis. Were they destined to be bangs....were they just holding out on growing longer and catching up with the rest of her hair? I won't leave you in suspense any longer....they are bangs. We cut 4 inches off the back of her hair and most of those precious baby ringlet curls are gone....but, on a positive note....so is the mullet!

progress....as promised

Well, I am two weeks away from Thanksgiving and I am hopeful. My goal at Weight Watchers has been to lose 16 pounds by Thanksgiving (that will be 10% of my starting weight). After losing 1.6 pounds THIS week, I am up to a total of 14.4 pounds gone! I could not be more thrilled! Even with Halloween and an impromptu trip to Texas de Brazil (yum yum) with family I was able to pull out a loss. I am hoping to reach my goal....maybe even pass it. Although, I know this is the time of year when weight loss is near to impossible. I intend to break tradition....turn the tables....dodge the bullet....and any other cliche that fits. I want to reach my goal. Hears hoping that in two weeks there will be at least 2 pounds less of me!

numbness

To say that much has happened in the last year would be an understatement. Each of the last few years I think that we will finally close the chapter on a year of large, catastrophic events. And, unfortunately, each year I have been wrong. I don't know what the Lord is up to, but I'm hoping it's big....and GOOD!

This "adventure" I have been on with my mom has been...well....adventuresome. We've been to ERs, psychiatrists, government agencies, banks, mental hospitals, rehabilitation centers, labs, doctors, and finally a neurologist. We ended at the neurologist. And that is where we have found our answer. Frontotempural dementia.

I'm no doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but the best I can gather is that this is a form of dementia striking people between the ages of 40 and 70. It affects the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe of the brain (hence the name of the disease). These are the portions of the brain that affect language and personality.

Anyway...enough medical mumbo jumbo. What it means is that she will not get better. In fact, she will get worse. Way worse. Most websites are saying that once diagnosed you can expect to live another 2 to 9 years.

Not a great diagnosis....but, oddly I am relieved. I am relieved to finally know what we are up against. I am glad that this "monster" has a name now. Now....I have something to aim my anger at.

Although, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really that angry. Oh, don't get me wrong...I want my mom back and I hate what has happened. But, as a whole my level of feeling has gone down drastically in the last while. You would think I would be on this emotional roller coaster....but, I'm just not. In fact, I kinda feel numb.

I think I have unconsciously built this wall up in my life to protect myself from feeling pain. I think it started innocently enough....the pain of my parent's divorce and then my mothers devastating illness proved to be a bit too scary for me to run headlong into. But, the wall grew without me even knowing it. Now I feel a bit stuck inside this box that I myself created. And while the pain and the sorrow are safely on the other side....where I can't see it and it can't get to me....joy, peace, and love are out there with it.

I have learned that you can't choose to feel some things while pretending that other feelings don't exist. In order to be a whole....and complete....person you must walk through EVERY season and be willing to tackle EVERY feeling that comes with EVERY situation. If you shut out pain you will inevitably close yourself off to feeling other wonderful things as well.

God is taking me through an interesting journey. I am asking him to brick by brick remove the joy-stealing walls that I built. Asking for forgiveness all along the way. So far I don't feel much progress. But, I will wait upon the Lord....knowing and believing that this is a prayer he is more than pleased to answer.

I am anxious to FEEL again....whatever that may mean. I am ready to deal with what I find as I crawl out from under the wreckage. Please pray for me....it's been a while since I have been out of this box.

it had to happen sometime....

I gained weight at my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this week. Even though I was only up .2 pounds, I was bummed. In my 10 weeks prior I had lost every single week. I am up to a total of 12.4 pounds. It doesn't seem like much when I say it like that, but what I am most thrilled with is how my clothes fit. I have had to buy new pants because I have gone from a size 12-14 to a size 8-10! I was even able to buy a size 8 dress for Rayden's cousin's wedding last weekend! The last size 8 I remember buying was my wedding dress!

I am not sure what this week's weigh-in will hold. It's been a rough week. I moved my mom into her assisted living facility on Tuesday...and as it turns out I am an emotional eater. So....I ate....and ate....and ate some more this week. Hopefully the scale won't be too terribly cruel.

Not only have I learned that I am an emotional eater, but this process has taught me so much more about myself. I have learned that I tend to eat when I am bored. Now....if only I would put down the food and pick up a duster....or a vacuum....or some Windex....then I would be skinny AND a good housekeeper! Second, I enjoy instant gratification. Slow and steady is not my cup of tea....just call me a big ole fat hare. The turtle is not my friend. But, you can't rush weight loss....well I guess you can, but let's be real....I fear vomiting almost more than death itself, so bulimia will never be part of my weight loss journey.

Anyway, I digress. It's been a wild ride. I need to get back on track because the end result excites me. If I have gone down 2 sizes in just 12 pounds, what will happen with the next 15? I can't wait to find out!

Tom's Farm outing

Our church reserve 3 bonfires at a local pumpkin patch this last weekend, so of course we joined in the fun. We roasted hot dogs, made smores, went on a hayride, picked pumpkins straight off the vine, posed for pictures, played on the playground, and enjoyed sweet fellowship with over 100 of our church members. It was an awesome time.

This is Nathan and Emma (Nathan always refers to her as either "my emma" or "emma shoowa....her last name is Schuler) They are total love birds. Emma's mom, Amy, and I are good friends. We "support" their childhood romance but have both had to stop them several times from giving each other kisses on the lips. We now have a firm rule in this family that you only "lip kiss" someone in your family or someone that you are ALREADY married too (Nathan and Emma both proclaim freely that they are going to marry each other someday!)

We're hoping that this event becomes a yearly thing for our church. If not, I can guarantee it will be for our family. This week we will work to carve our pumpkins and have some family prayer time....look for a spooktacular post on this soon!