numbness

To say that much has happened in the last year would be an understatement. Each of the last few years I think that we will finally close the chapter on a year of large, catastrophic events. And, unfortunately, each year I have been wrong. I don't know what the Lord is up to, but I'm hoping it's big....and GOOD!

This "adventure" I have been on with my mom has been...well....adventuresome. We've been to ERs, psychiatrists, government agencies, banks, mental hospitals, rehabilitation centers, labs, doctors, and finally a neurologist. We ended at the neurologist. And that is where we have found our answer. Frontotempural dementia.

I'm no doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but the best I can gather is that this is a form of dementia striking people between the ages of 40 and 70. It affects the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe of the brain (hence the name of the disease). These are the portions of the brain that affect language and personality.

Anyway...enough medical mumbo jumbo. What it means is that she will not get better. In fact, she will get worse. Way worse. Most websites are saying that once diagnosed you can expect to live another 2 to 9 years.

Not a great diagnosis....but, oddly I am relieved. I am relieved to finally know what we are up against. I am glad that this "monster" has a name now. Now....I have something to aim my anger at.

Although, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really that angry. Oh, don't get me wrong...I want my mom back and I hate what has happened. But, as a whole my level of feeling has gone down drastically in the last while. You would think I would be on this emotional roller coaster....but, I'm just not. In fact, I kinda feel numb.

I think I have unconsciously built this wall up in my life to protect myself from feeling pain. I think it started innocently enough....the pain of my parent's divorce and then my mothers devastating illness proved to be a bit too scary for me to run headlong into. But, the wall grew without me even knowing it. Now I feel a bit stuck inside this box that I myself created. And while the pain and the sorrow are safely on the other side....where I can't see it and it can't get to me....joy, peace, and love are out there with it.

I have learned that you can't choose to feel some things while pretending that other feelings don't exist. In order to be a whole....and complete....person you must walk through EVERY season and be willing to tackle EVERY feeling that comes with EVERY situation. If you shut out pain you will inevitably close yourself off to feeling other wonderful things as well.

God is taking me through an interesting journey. I am asking him to brick by brick remove the joy-stealing walls that I built. Asking for forgiveness all along the way. So far I don't feel much progress. But, I will wait upon the Lord....knowing and believing that this is a prayer he is more than pleased to answer.

I am anxious to FEEL again....whatever that may mean. I am ready to deal with what I find as I crawl out from under the wreckage. Please pray for me....it's been a while since I have been out of this box.