I spent a good portion of my thanksgiving this year a bit sad. It's hard for me to not reminisce about my family during the holidays. While this time of year is filled with a lot of joy and laughter, it also reminds us of areas in our life that are lacking or are not the way we wish they were. I guess I got "stuck" in that frame of mind on Thanksgiving. I was with Rayden's family, like every year on Thanksgiving, but I could not get my mind off my own family. I was thinking of how "broken" it feels. I haven't seen my brothers in quite some time and even when I do it's for very brief intervals. My dad was spending the holidays with his girlfriend and her family, which is a whole ball of wax that I won't even get in to in this format. And then my mom was back at her assisted living center. While she was perfectly safe and happy there, I felt terrible guilt over not having her with us on this day. Unfortunately, I wasted so much of that day thinking about what I would never have back. I kept thinking about the "picture perfect" memories I would never again have. I wished away too much of that day.
I can't go backwards, but in an effort to redeem this holiday in my mind I will take some time here to count my many blessings.....name them one by one (insert pipe organ music here!).
First, I am thankful for Rayden. I could not be more blessed by the man that God gave me to journey through life with. He is honestly the most godly man I know. He loves the Lord deeply and he loves me selflessly. He keeps his priorities in life (God first, me second, the kids third, and the church after that) and that brings so much security to my life. He is able to admit his faults and ask for forgiveness when he needs to. He freely and rapidly offers forgiveness to those who offend him (including me). He is truly an anointed man of God and it is such an honor to walk through life with him.
I am grateful to the boy who made me a mother. Kaleb Josiah Hollis is a true joy and a true challenge. He can always make me laugh, make me feel loved, and make me want to pull my hair out. He is strong willed (I won't tell you who he got that from!), energetic (that's the understatement of the year), and loving. He is a picture of generosity. He reminds me that I need the Lord. I have struggled with self-righteousness all my life and I believe that God gave me Kaleb to remind me that I can not figure things out on my own. I can not "power through" or make a to-do list good enough to make my life perfect. Kaleb is an awesome young man and it blesses me to watch him learn and grow. He reminds me that life is a journey and that this journey is supposed to be FUN! I am so in love with this kid!
I could not be more grateful to the Lord that He gave us Nathan. Nathan James Hollis is a gift in every sense of the word. The Lord chose to give us this baby (I found out I was preggo with him when Kaleb was just 10 weeks old!) and I am thrilled to pieces about it. Nathan has such an intense attitude and determination. There isn't much that holds this kid back. He is so smart and he loves to help. I can also see in him a unique sensitivity to spiritual things. I really believe that he is being honest when he exclaims that, "Jesus already lives in my heart. I asked him to come in there when I was little." He is also a great picture of the stereotypical middle child. He wants to be sure that everything is fair and he often wants reassurance that he isn't being slighted in any way. When I look at him I remember that God loves to give good gifts. He also reminds me that God knows better than me what I need. I believe God has great things in store for this little man....and I can't wait to watch his story unfold.
Oh my! Is there anything sweeter than my Aubri Jane? The answer of course.....NO WAY! I am so thankful for my daughter. There was a part of me that believed that because I wanted a little girl so badly that God would never give it to me. What a terrible thought, right? I know. But it's true....I had a warped perception of my heavenly Father. But, this little darling came into my life and I realized that God delights in seeing His children smile. She personifies to me the truth that He is the giver of all good things. She brings me so much joy and just looking at her makes me smile. She challenges me to be a better woman. I know God has given her to me so that I can become the woman that I pray that she will one day be. (that was wordy....I hope it makes sense). I can not wait for all the girly adventures that await us in the years to come. I am blessed to have this angel in my family.
This year I am also grateful for my Little Grandma. I call her that because she's littler than my other grandma (whom we refer to as big grandma). We must have been child geniuses to come up with such clever names! Anyway, she has been such a sense of encouragement to me as I have cared for my mom. We have grown so close this year and I am currently thankful that she will be here to celebrate Christmas with us this year. Just 19 more days and she will arrive in Memphis!
This year I am SO AMAZINGLY GRATEFUL that we are getting mom the help she needs. 2009 started out so rocky with her. Lots of hospital visits, delusions, hallucinations, doctor appointments, bills, prayers, and medications later we FINALLY have a diagnosis. Frontotemporal Dementia.....while this is not a happy diagnosis....it is an answer all the same. Within weeks of this diagnosis we were able to get her a room in an assisted living facility that will care for for her and provide her the safety and companionship she needs. She is SO happy there and I am SO happy for this progress.
This year I am grateful for my sweet friend Lindsey. There aren't really words to describe how her family has blessed us this year. I know that God did me a great favor when he put her in my life. She is a breath of fresh air to me. She is a real person....honest about her failures and faults...but who is striving with all that she has to honor the Lord in every way. She makes me laugh....and cry. She checks on me when I am down and she gives up time with her husband so that our men can go out and "bond." She also openly and lavishly loves my kids.....and there is no greater gift that you could give a mother than to pray for, care for, and love her kids. She is a gift to me straight from Heaven.
I am also thankful for our church. This picture is of the students we took to St. Louis this summer. They are some of the greatest students in all the world. They love the Lord and they love us. What more could you ask for? Our church has had its ups and downs....no doubt (unfortunately way more downs than ups here recently) and it has been so terribly frustrating to serve there at times. But, these people have become our family. They are there for us to celebrate our victories with us and they weep with us as we have mourned terrible losses this year. They have shown us the way that God's people should love one another....we know they love God because they have loved us so selflessly.
I am thankful that we live near Rayden's extended family. It has been a joy to get to know Carrie and Amber this year....they have become dear friends. I have never lived close to my cousins before and it has been really cool to have Rayden's cousins just minutes away. They remind me of what a gift family can be....how we should treasure our moments together.
My list of things I am thankful for is far from complete, but I will end with this last thought. I am grateful for the promise of Heaven. This year Rayden and I buried 4 of our grandparents. As of now, Rayden has no living grandparents. While these passings were painful, they remind me that this world is not my home. I am grateful that there will come a day when all pain and sorrow will cease. I am grateful for a day that I will see my Savior face to face and I can fall at His feet and worship and adore Him. This picture makes me smile because I see two people that are now at the feet of my Jesus. I know they are is pure bliss. Their pain is gone. Their joy is complete. They struggle no longer with sin and sickness. And I trust that they are speaking to Jesus and asking Him to bless us, to watch over us, to use us, and to allow us to finish this race with vigor. I am grateful for a God who saves....and also promises a greater life here and after death.
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