So grateful...

I spent a good portion of my thanksgiving this year a bit sad. It's hard for me to not reminisce about my family during the holidays. While this time of year is filled with a lot of joy and laughter, it also reminds us of areas in our life that are lacking or are not the way we wish they were. I guess I got "stuck" in that frame of mind on Thanksgiving. I was with Rayden's family, like every year on Thanksgiving, but I could not get my mind off my own family. I was thinking of how "broken" it feels. I haven't seen my brothers in quite some time and even when I do it's for very brief intervals. My dad was spending the holidays with his girlfriend and her family, which is a whole ball of wax that I won't even get in to in this format. And then my mom was back at her assisted living center. While she was perfectly safe and happy there, I felt terrible guilt over not having her with us on this day. Unfortunately, I wasted so much of that day thinking about what I would never have back. I kept thinking about the "picture perfect" memories I would never again have. I wished away too much of that day.

I can't go backwards, but in an effort to redeem this holiday in my mind I will take some time here to count my many blessings.....name them one by one (insert pipe organ music here!).

First, I am thankful for Rayden. I could not be more blessed by the man that God gave me to journey through life with. He is honestly the most godly man I know. He loves the Lord deeply and he loves me selflessly. He keeps his priorities in life (God first, me second, the kids third, and the church after that) and that brings so much security to my life. He is able to admit his faults and ask for forgiveness when he needs to. He freely and rapidly offers forgiveness to those who offend him (including me). He is truly an anointed man of God and it is such an honor to walk through life with him.

I am grateful to the boy who made me a mother. Kaleb Josiah Hollis is a true joy and a true challenge. He can always make me laugh, make me feel loved, and make me want to pull my hair out. He is strong willed (I won't tell you who he got that from!), energetic (that's the understatement of the year), and loving. He is a picture of generosity. He reminds me that I need the Lord. I have struggled with self-righteousness all my life and I believe that God gave me Kaleb to remind me that I can not figure things out on my own. I can not "power through" or make a to-do list good enough to make my life perfect. Kaleb is an awesome young man and it blesses me to watch him learn and grow. He reminds me that life is a journey and that this journey is supposed to be FUN! I am so in love with this kid!

I could not be more grateful to the Lord that He gave us Nathan. Nathan James Hollis is a gift in every sense of the word. The Lord chose to give us this baby (I found out I was preggo with him when Kaleb was just 10 weeks old!) and I am thrilled to pieces about it. Nathan has such an intense attitude and determination. There isn't much that holds this kid back. He is so smart and he loves to help. I can also see in him a unique sensitivity to spiritual things. I really believe that he is being honest when he exclaims that, "Jesus already lives in my heart. I asked him to come in there when I was little." He is also a great picture of the stereotypical middle child. He wants to be sure that everything is fair and he often wants reassurance that he isn't being slighted in any way. When I look at him I remember that God loves to give good gifts. He also reminds me that God knows better than me what I need. I believe God has great things in store for this little man....and I can't wait to watch his story unfold.

Oh my! Is there anything sweeter than my Aubri Jane? The answer of course.....NO WAY! I am so thankful for my daughter. There was a part of me that believed that because I wanted a little girl so badly that God would never give it to me. What a terrible thought, right? I know. But it's true....I had a warped perception of my heavenly Father. But, this little darling came into my life and I realized that God delights in seeing His children smile. She personifies to me the truth that He is the giver of all good things. She brings me so much joy and just looking at her makes me smile. She challenges me to be a better woman. I know God has given her to me so that I can become the woman that I pray that she will one day be. (that was wordy....I hope it makes sense). I can not wait for all the girly adventures that await us in the years to come. I am blessed to have this angel in my family.

This year I am also grateful for my Little Grandma. I call her that because she's littler than my other grandma (whom we refer to as big grandma). We must have been child geniuses to come up with such clever names! Anyway, she has been such a sense of encouragement to me as I have cared for my mom. We have grown so close this year and I am currently thankful that she will be here to celebrate Christmas with us this year. Just 19 more days and she will arrive in Memphis!

This year I am SO AMAZINGLY GRATEFUL that we are getting mom the help she needs. 2009 started out so rocky with her. Lots of hospital visits, delusions, hallucinations, doctor appointments, bills, prayers, and medications later we FINALLY have a diagnosis. Frontotemporal Dementia.....while this is not a happy diagnosis....it is an answer all the same. Within weeks of this diagnosis we were able to get her a room in an assisted living facility that will care for for her and provide her the safety and companionship she needs. She is SO happy there and I am SO happy for this progress.

This year I am grateful for my sweet friend Lindsey. There aren't really words to describe how her family has blessed us this year. I know that God did me a great favor when he put her in my life. She is a breath of fresh air to me. She is a real person....honest about her failures and faults...but who is striving with all that she has to honor the Lord in every way. She makes me laugh....and cry. She checks on me when I am down and she gives up time with her husband so that our men can go out and "bond." She also openly and lavishly loves my kids.....and there is no greater gift that you could give a mother than to pray for, care for, and love her kids. She is a gift to me straight from Heaven.

I am also thankful for our church. This picture is of the students we took to St. Louis this summer. They are some of the greatest students in all the world. They love the Lord and they love us. What more could you ask for? Our church has had its ups and downs....no doubt (unfortunately way more downs than ups here recently) and it has been so terribly frustrating to serve there at times. But, these people have become our family. They are there for us to celebrate our victories with us and they weep with us as we have mourned terrible losses this year. They have shown us the way that God's people should love one another....we know they love God because they have loved us so selflessly.
I am thankful that we live near Rayden's extended family. It has been a joy to get to know Carrie and Amber this year....they have become dear friends. I have never lived close to my cousins before and it has been really cool to have Rayden's cousins just minutes away. They remind me of what a gift family can be....how we should treasure our moments together.

My list of things I am thankful for is far from complete, but I will end with this last thought. I am grateful for the promise of Heaven. This year Rayden and I buried 4 of our grandparents. As of now, Rayden has no living grandparents. While these passings were painful, they remind me that this world is not my home. I am grateful that there will come a day when all pain and sorrow will cease. I am grateful for a day that I will see my Savior face to face and I can fall at His feet and worship and adore Him. This picture makes me smile because I see two people that are now at the feet of my Jesus. I know they are is pure bliss. Their pain is gone. Their joy is complete. They struggle no longer with sin and sickness. And I trust that they are speaking to Jesus and asking Him to bless us, to watch over us, to use us, and to allow us to finish this race with vigor. I am grateful for a God who saves....and also promises a greater life here and after death.

A sweet night-night story

We spent the week in Branson, Mo with Rayden's family for Thanksgiving. All the kids (our 3 plus our niece Jordan) slept on mattresses on the floor in Grammy and Grandad's room. Before bed the first night Uncle Tommy went in to read the kids a story before lights out. Only, much to our surprise/amazement/pleasure he wasn't the one reading the story. Our sweet niece (just 2 months older than Aubri) was telling the story. The story of Jonah and the whale was beautifully pouring out of this sweet 2 year olds mouth. Now, she wasn't reading the book....holy cow....that would totally have rocked our worlds! But, her mommy and daddy had read her this book so many times that the words just stuck in her little head. It was a precious moment.

And for my sweet niece, Jordan, I pray that she would learn the lessons of Jonah. I pray that she will hear God's voice and choose-the first time-to follow God's commands. I pray that for my own children as well. Praise the Lord for His Word and the truth that it shows us. And praise the Lord for moments when we can hear His truth spilling forth from children we love.

Playing in the leaves- Part 2

The farther into fall we get the more leaves that hit the ground in our front yard. While I hate---oops, I mean strongly dislike---the tree that stands in the center of our yard, I am grateful for the fun it has provided us in the last few weeks. And you've gotta love that crazy Memphis weather that allows you to play outside without a jacket in the middle of November. How sweet is that face?

Look at those gorgeous blue eyes.....man....he is a handsome fellow.

Pure bliss!

falling deeper in love

I've been reading more. And I must say that I am really excited about this book. When last I told you about it I was still somewhere around page 60. But now, I am on page 146. People.....it's official now. I love this book. It's a real no nonsense guide to parenting. It seems simple and practical. You've got to love when you read something and in your head you are thinking, "yeah....that's it! That sounds right. Why didn't I think that before?" It's clever, funny, informative, thought-provoking. Okay, okay....you probably get the picture by now. You would think I was paid to do a review of it or something! (which I wasn't, by the way!). If you would indulge me, I would love to share a few new quotes that I have read recently. Maybe they will speak you as they did me.

"In this regard, Grandma understood that she was raising an adult, not a child." -I love that thought. We are equipping our kids for something more than just the next play date or the next school grade. We are striving to make them functional and godly PEOPLE....adults who will lead their own lives in a way that honors our Lord.

"consumption without contribution inevitably engenders a feeling of entitlement." -Yikes! I wholeheartedly agree. I even see this in my own life (gulp!). I want my kids to be grateful people....and it seems that requiring their participation in our family chores and responsibility will facilitate this.

"Nothing dampens a child's social skills more than solitary, mind-numbing electronics." -Umm....guilty as charged. I sure have rented a movie because I was tired and played it off as "family movie night." What a lame excuse for a "togetherness" activity. No one says a word to each other....in fact we never actually even glance in one another's direction (unless someone gets up to pee) and we call it bonding. Something seems a bit off. That quote stings a bit.

"all too many of today's parents really do not know where they are headed with their children" -Once again....ouch. This one is really making me think. Where am I headed with them? I mean, sure, I want them to be godly adults, but that's a pretty generic.....and hugely gigantic target. Anything more specific? Not sure yet....still praying and thinking about it. I hope to have an answer soon....at least before them move out, right?!

"Grandma understood that unless emotional pain was associated with misbehavior, misbehavior would continue unchecked. But then, in Grandma's day, misbehavior was not a psychological phenomenon. It was sin, and one could not afford to fool around where sin was concerned." -I have really like this quote because it reminds me that it's okay....no, actually, great when my kids cry after they do something wrong or after they are disciplined. That means they "got it." They need to associate sin with pain. Wouldn't it be helpful in our own adult lives if we could always adequately make that connection? It also reminds me that in the "discipline war" the battle is not between me and my child. The war I am waging is against sin. So really, my child and I are on the same team....dressing in armor and drawing our swords against the evil one. And I for one will be damned (pardon my language....I know pastor's wives shouldn't curse, but it sure feels appropriate in this sense) if I let the enemy win in my child's life!

If you are at all intrigued, I encourage you to go get this book. I am loving it and it is stirring up some great prayer times and making for some great conversations between Rayden and I about our goals in parenting and how we see ourselves getting there.

A very hands-on dad

I must preface these photos with a simple request. Please do not take them literally or too seriously. You are about to see pictures of my husband "fighting" with our children. This is their version of rough play with daddy. The boys like to take off their shirts and "punch" each other and wrestle while I make dinner. It's hilarious to me to be stirring something on the stove and hear Nathan yell, "let's do this thing." or to hear Kaleb shout, "you can't handle this." And then wild laughter follows.
Tonight Aubri decided to get in on the action. She even took her shirt off (it's a good thing she's facing away from the camera because I don't know how to censor pictures! ha!)

let the countdown begin.....

we are headed to Branson for a Hollis family Thanksgiving in just 5 more days! To help the kids understand when we leave (they are about jumping out of their skin to go.....they only ask what day we are leaving about every 20 minutes!) we made paper chains. Every morning we clip one more chain off and count how many are left. We started with 7 and we are now down to 5. We are all anxiously awaiting the day we awake to just one more chain....we'll pack up the car....wait til Kaleb gets out of school....and then head to Missouri. We simply can't wait!

fall leaves

The first batch pf leaves have fallen off the trees here in Memphis. The kids and I raked them up one day after school and had some fun. I love seeing the pure excitement and joy on their faces. There is nothing like the simple childhood pleasures like jumping into a pile of leaves on your front lawn. I even took a turn myself....I love being a kid myself sometimes too!

new book

I have started reading a new book. I hope I finish this one because it's really good (I have a tendency to start books and then not finish because I find a new book I want to start) But I am committing to finish this one. It's called "Parenting by the book" by John Rosemond. I picked it up on a recommendation by a friend (actually an ex-boyfriend) when I posted on facebook all the struggles we were having with Kaleb recently.

It's great so far and I am gleaning all kinds of insight. Here are some of my favorite quotes...

"If you adhere to God's plan in your life, you will still experience sadness, pain, frustration, and heartache (since the Fall, there is no escaping this tribulation), but you will endure and you will eventually come out on top."

"Because Freudian mythology has managed to stay alive despite a lack of proof, the all-too-typical modern mom believes that she is cause and her child's behavior is the effect."

"Grandma also knew that she could not be a good enough parent to guarantee that her children would never do anything despicable, disgusting, or depraved-that the power of their choosing was more powerful than the power of her parenting."

"People with high self esteem possess an entitlement mentality: they believe that anything they do is worthy of merit. As a consequence, they rarely do their best at anything."

These quotes all come from the first 56 pages (I am not very far into it yet),but I love that Mr. Rosemond is challenging the style of parenting that most of us, Christian or not, have bought into today. He is challenging the child-centered family. He is questioning whether a high self-esteem for your child is really a Biblical goal. He is debunking psychological parenting and promoting a Biblical view of child-rearing. It's a really unique perspective because while he is anti-psychological parenting, he is, in fact, a psychologist.

If you need a good parenting book, I recommend this one. Now, keep in mind that I am only on page 56....please do not hold me responsible for any content after that page. But, I can assure that pages 1-56 will be worth your time. I will share more as I get further into it.

What are you reading? Any other recommendations for great books? Have any especially meaningful quotes to share?

Prayers for wisdom

I don't mean to brag, but I'm no dummy. I graduated in the top 10% of my class in high school and then with honors in college. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am a genius or anything....but I do okay when it comes to book learning. But nothing....let me say it again....NOTHING....has made me feel quite so stupid as becoming a mom.

Time after time I am faced with decisions and situations that are mind boggling. What do you do when your toddler throws themselves on the floor and if crying so violently they may just heave? How should you respond when your son asks you why God can't come into you heart....why does it have to be Jesus? What's the appropriate way to squelch sibling rivalry? See....I feel stupid....I don't have the answers to those questions.

And yesterday I felt my mommy IQ drop a few more points. I got an email from Kaleb's teacher saying that his behavior is getting worse in class. It's not so much that he is disrespectful, but that he consistently gets off task. He dances in the hall, plays in the bathroom, gets out of his seat, sings while he works, talks while the teacher is talking, and meanders around the room. None of those things shock me about my little man. But, hearing that he has become a significant disruption to the class is heartbreaking to me.

The teacher assured me that academically he is at the top of his class....learning to read and write very quickly. But, she was hoping his behavior would have calmed down by now. Me too. And I am not really sure how to help me. We offer rewards, we are consistent with discipline, we encourage, reprimand, and pray....pray....and pray some more.

Yesterday I just felt defeated. I felt like everything we are trying to accomplish with Kaleb is not "sticking." I felt worthless as a mom. I felt embarrassed and sad. I don't want my kid to be "that kid" that teachers talk about in the workroom and that they are glad when they are absent. I want him to be someone who does the right thing. I want....

....wait....I am having a revelation. I am sensing the Lord's voice even as I type this....

When you boil it all the way down, what I am really worried about is not Kaleb at all. What I am really concerned with is that people see me as a good mom. OUCH! That's not a very pleasant revelation. But, praise be to God for speaking His truth into my life so that I can look more like Him.

Lord...may I put my kids needs above my own desires. May I truly seek what is best for them. Would you intervene in their lives in such a way that they will surrender themselves to you and live a life that pleases YOU. And may you intervene in my life in such a way that I will die to myself and give you total control over the way I see myself and how I parent my children.

Friends, will you continue to pray for my sweet Kaleb? He is such a precious boy and I want people to get to see the sweet and sensitive heart that is inside him. He truly loves people and he truly wants to see people be happy. He is willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order to give someone else what they want.

I don't want people to be put off by his inability to focus and be still that they miss who he REALLY is. Pray that he will develop self control. Pray that Rayden and I will have wisdom as we teach him and as we provide rewards and punishments. And pray for wisdom as we begin researching ways to help him through diet, vitamins, and possibly even medication (we are going to investigate with doctors and counselors the possibility of adhd). Mostly though, pray that my little man will honor God in every way.

trick or treat

There was much debate over what to be for Halloween this year. Let me rephrase that...Kaleb changed his mind alot about what he wanted to be for Halloween this year. I think he made a great choice!

Obi Wan Kanobi (or as his daddy calls him...Obi Wan KaNathan). and, yes, I made that costume myself....thank you very much!

Is that not the sweetest Dorothy you have ever seen? There truly is "no place like home"

Mario....this kid is hilarious!

Ready to head out the door to trick or treat. This was our first year to go door to door....they had a blast. and now we have enough candy to last us the next 3 years.

Lots to catch up on

I have not blogged in quite sometime. Part of the reason is because instead of writing a blog I have been enjoying....nay, obsessed with....reading other peoples. I am pretty much stalking these coupon blogs. I am scoring deals that you would not believe. I barely believe them myself, but I have the receipts to prove them! The other reason is that I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water right now. I have a mother that I just moved into an assisted living facility, a church that is in financial CRISIS, a daughter who has learned how to throw tantrums, and a kindergartner with no self control (and no, I am not exaggerating....I got an email from his teacher today supporting that statement). But, all that aside....I am back. I will catch you up bit by bit until we find ourselves in the mess that is called today.







First, we took a trip to St. Louis! Hooray! We tried to go over Fall Break, but mom wasn't doing well so we had to postpone. I'm really glad we did. We had such a great time. And it was so freeing to go out of town knowing that my mom was cared for and that she was safe. What a tremendous relief. While in St. Louis we bunked up in my dad's apartment. He made the most amazing cookies! I ate WAY TOO MANY of them....how I managed to still lose 1.6 pounds that week is beyond me, but hey....if the cookie diet works....you don't question it....you just go with it!

We went to Six flags and the Magic house. Both were tremendous amounts of fun. The boys loved seeing the characters at Six Flags, and we realized we have a little daredevil in our family. Nathan displayed no fear as he marched himself on to the Screaming Eagle and rode with his hands up the entire time. Kaleb.....not so much. He did do the mine train, but he was not pleased with the drop at the end....he's pretty sure at this point that roller coasters are not his thing.
It was great to have Uncle Joshie and Susan meet us at the Magic House. I miss my brother like crazy so I am blessed every second I get to spend with him. My kids thought it was pretty cool too....they are awfully fond of all their uncles!

Isn't this picture hilarious? I love love love it!

Another adventure we had was getting Aubri's very first haircut. I know, I know, she is well past turning two....how on earth have I not even trimmed her hair yet? The answer? Simple...I don't know. I was waiting to see what those little front and side hairs were going to do. Finally, I had to cave. My sweet little angel began to rock a pretty hard core mullet. The back kept getting longer and longer, but those front hairs were having an identity crisis. Were they destined to be bangs....were they just holding out on growing longer and catching up with the rest of her hair? I won't leave you in suspense any longer....they are bangs. We cut 4 inches off the back of her hair and most of those precious baby ringlet curls are gone....but, on a positive note....so is the mullet!

progress....as promised

Well, I am two weeks away from Thanksgiving and I am hopeful. My goal at Weight Watchers has been to lose 16 pounds by Thanksgiving (that will be 10% of my starting weight). After losing 1.6 pounds THIS week, I am up to a total of 14.4 pounds gone! I could not be more thrilled! Even with Halloween and an impromptu trip to Texas de Brazil (yum yum) with family I was able to pull out a loss. I am hoping to reach my goal....maybe even pass it. Although, I know this is the time of year when weight loss is near to impossible. I intend to break tradition....turn the tables....dodge the bullet....and any other cliche that fits. I want to reach my goal. Hears hoping that in two weeks there will be at least 2 pounds less of me!