If only...

As this momentous week unfolds before me I am seemingly stuck in a reminiscent state. I am thinking about all that has happened in the last 5 years. We have moved to a new state, added 2 children to our family, dealt with divorce and mental illness, seen 2 pastors come and go at our church, buried more than 5 family members...the list goes on and on. I can only pray that the next five years are not so littered with giant events. But, as I learn more and more about life I can rest knowing that although I know life will not slow down at all, I have a God who will carry me through it all.

But, I digress. Back to my reminiscing. Tomorrow I take my oldest son to Kindergarten. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited. I know he will love it. I know I will love it too. It's just the end of this part of my life with him. I bawled like a baby into my husband's chest last night. Between sobs I could barely utter the words, "nothing will ever be the same." My sweet husband just held me close and said, "you're right baby, but with change comes the potential for an even greater life." He's such a wise man.

Despite his wise words (which, incidentally, I know in my head...and somewhere deep down in my heart....to be true) I can't help but think....

IF ONLY...
there were a machine that would freeze time. As frustrating as life can be sometimes with 3 little ones at home, I would freeze it and live life this way forever. I LOVE staying at home with my babies. Aside from my freedom in Christ and the thrill of being married to Rayden, it is my greatest joy.

IF ONLY...
they would let mommies stay at kindergarten all day. Hey, I like file folder games. I could use some brushing up on my math and reading skills. It only seems fair....he's my baby. Why can't I stay? What's that?....the other moms might think I am weird. I don't care.

IF ONLY...
I had not been so concerned with how my house looked and what chores needed to be done. Then, I could have stockpiled more amazing memories with Kaleb. This is a lesson that I am learning...finally. Laundry and dishes can wait. The dust and clutter will still be there at naptime. I must force myself to let go of the need to keep a perfect home and embrace the moments of laughter and wonder that accompany playing with my kids.

IF ONLY...
there was a way to show Rayden the depth of my gratitude. He works so hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home and be with our kids. Some men don't want their wives to stay home, and yet others still aren't in the position to give their wives that gift. I am blessed that Rayden has the job that he has, it pays just enough and gives him amazing flexibility. He is so amazing to work with me to make financial sacrifices so that I can stay home. He may never know....this side of Heaven....what an amazing gift this is to me. I will work hard to show him my gratitude.

IF ONLY...
there were a way to ensure my son's health, safety, and success. I have worked so hard to protect him these 5 years. It is scary to let go and not know what he is facing....who he is interacting with....what he will see, hear, taste, touch, feel. I am embracing the reality that I can not control these things in his life. I am thankful that we have a God who is more concerned with his well-being and success than I am. I am praying that God would give me His heart. That I would want God's will for Kaleb over my own. That God's definition of success would overtake my own. Kaleb has never been mine....he is on loan from the Lord. I am blessed to care for him. It is my privilege and honor (and greatest challenge) to release Him daily to the Lord's hands.

I am scared and excited about this new chapter in life. I am certainly excited to see what God has in store for my little man. I believe with all my heart that God wants him to be a leader. I believe that God wants to use Kaleb to be a shining example of Truth. I am praying that Kaleb will learn to hear God's voice and obey it no matter the cost. I am also praying that as he steps out into a dark world that he will rely on the Lord, shine God's light, and develop a burden for the lost. May it be so, Lord.

Maybe you feel like me at back to school time. Maybe you have hard things ahead. I don't know what you are facing this week. Maybe there are a lot of "if only's" in your life too. If you let me know what they are I will pray for you. Please lift me up as I work to release Kaleb to the Lord in this new way. Let's journey together to bring God glory.