a heartbreaking Sunday

Well, it has begun. I guess I knew that this day would come. I was sort of hoping that because I married a pastor we would be immune to this. No such luck.

This morning Kaleb crawled into my bed and informed me that he wasn't going to go to church with us this morning because he doesn't like church.

Can you hear my heart breaking? I can. It is still breaking an hour after our conversation.

I was asking all sorts of probing questions to get to the heart of the issue. But I was slightly unprepared for a conversation of this magnitude at 6:30 am. I am grateful for the Holy Spirit's work in my life to prompt me and guide me. He finally told me that he only has 2 friends in his class (even though that's not true). I explained to him that he has lots of friends in his class...and even if he didn't, this would be a chance to make some new friends. In case you didn't know....that kind of logic doesn't fly with a 5 year old. So, I moved on to a more spiritual description of why he would, in fact, be attending church with us today. I explained to him that God created church so that we can encourage other people who love God and so that we can learn more about what the Bible says. I told him that going to church is just one of many ways we show God just how much we love him. This logic also was not good enough for Kaleb. So, I sent him to lay in his bed until he could find a happy heart. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not, but I was at a loss. I figured that I presented logical and spiritual explanations and that the only thing left to do before demanding compliance was to give him a moment for God to speak to his little heart.

A few moments later Kaleb emerged. A bit sheepish and quiet he tiptoed into my bathroom. I asked him if he found his happy heart. He said yes. I held his face in my hands and told him that I loved him and that going to church was really important to me and God. Then we hugged and he ran off as if nothing ever happened.

I stood in my bathroom alone....still heart broken....begging God to grow in my children a deep love and devotion for God. I do sense, however, that this is not the last time I will have this conversation with Kaleb. While I do know that he loves God and wants to honor Him, I also sense in him a heart that is easily tempted by rebellion. I believe that God wants to use Kaleb to do amazing things....I have thought sense his birth that God was calling Kaleb to lead (just like his daddy). It is my prayer that he would lead people towards Truth. It is my prayer that Kaleb would rise up under temptation and learn to use God's power in Him to defeat the enemy that seeks to destroy him.

This conversation this morning....while at first it left me feeling defeated as a parent....has inspired me. As I write about it I am realizing again my calling as a parent. It is entirely spiritual in nature. This conversation reminds me that there in indeed an enemy out there who is looking to destroy my children (I know that is terrifying to think about, but it's just better if we all face reality). It is my job to battle in prayer for their souls and their well-being. It is also my job to model for my kids what it looks like to rely on God and worship him with my life. It is also my job to train my kids in how to overcome the devil by relying on God's strength and those whom God has placed in our lives.

Thank you Jesus for the conversation I had with Kaleb this morning. May it prompt me to work harder at being a godly mom. Soften Kaleb's heart....make it wholly yours.

one red and speckled girl...

You know that children's song "five green and speckled frogs?"

Five green and speckled frogs

sat on a speckled log

eating some most delicious bugs....yum....yum

one jumped into the pool

where it was nice and cool

now there are four green speckled frogs.....ribbit....ribbit

Well, I've never had a green speckled frog before, but I have had a red speckled girl. Last week Aubri had Fifth's disease. As I understand it, it's a basically harmless virus that is almost symptomless until...all of a sudden you break out in a red rash. It was almost a scene out of a horror film. First, it was on her face. I immediately thought it was allergic reaction. So, I gave her benedryll. Later I noticed it was on her belly. Then, as I was inspecting her skin I watched it spread everywhere. We went to the doctor right away. Dr. Mitchell said it was Fifths disease and that now that she has the rash she is no longer contagious. The whole thing is absurd, if you ask me.

Here are the reasons why I think this illness is absurd:

1. you are contagious during the time that you don't know any thing is wrong with you.

2. they call it a disease....don't they know that would freak parents out? a much more appropriate name would be "Fifths weird rash that won't cause lasting effects"

3. there is no treatment for this....you just have to look hideous for several days.

Anyway, Aubri is better now. No more rash. She handled it like a trooper. I'm not surprised.

A momentous day!

It's official....Kaleb is in Kindergarten. And his first day was great! I held it together just fine (of course it helped that I had my first day of KDO the same day....what a great distraction). Here is a rundown of our day.

Time to wake up...
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day....how bout scrambled eggs and toast?

Posing for pictures

What a big boy!

I am one proud momma!

Just like his daddy....although we are hoping that he can avoid "first day of school spankings!"

It's time to drop Kaleb off for Camp Chimneyrock (each of the kindergartners only go to school one day on the first week. That way they ease into the year and the teacher can get to know them 4-5 at a time)

He gets right down to work. After all, as Kaleb likes to put it...he is a "fantastic artist"
Kaleb and his teacher, Mrs. Humphrey.

It was a great day at Camp Chimneyrock. And now, as I write this, we are 3 days into his first week of school. It has already been very eventful. The first "official" day for kindergartners was Monday. Rayden had to take Kaleb because I was still in the ER with my mom. (I tried to get away, but couldn't due to some GPS misunderstandings between my husband and best friend!!). Rayden merely dropped him off at the front door. A teacher walked him to class. I was devastated. I cried when I heard about it....I couldn't believe that my little boy was walking through that big school without me....or his daddy. I totally am not mad at Rayden....he didn't know.....you are allowed to walk them in the first week of school....after that they are on their own. It's something I must not have mentioned. Only a daddy would pat their son on the head their first day and drive off. Although, I guess it was a good thing. Now we know he can do it. It's sort of liking ripping the band aid off really fast. Needless to say, I have walked him all the way to the door the last two days though. I won't dare drop him off till they make me!

This is a whole new grand adventures. There is more to say already, but I must rest for now. We do the whole thing again tomorrow....plus a room parent meeting and curriculum night. Tomorrow promises to be a full day!

another day....another E.R.

It is Monday morning....1:23 am. I am sitting in St. Francis Hospital's emergency room. I had to bring my mom here because her delusions are becoming too much for me to handle. We need a better long term (and short term, for that matter) solution. The only thing I could think to do was bring her to the ER for another evaluation and then get some help from there. I am hoping to get her into the state mental health facility. There just isn't any way for her to be on her own anymore. She can't manage her meals or her medications. She is consistenly paranoid. Today she thought that people were coming to get her and cut out her tongue (and another body part that will remain unnamed). I can not even imagine how scary that must be for her. I want to cry even now as I watch her try to sleep in this hospital bed. Obviously the medications we have her on now are just not cutting it. Going to see the psychaitrist once a month is just not enough. She needs some intense treatments. She needs new meds, new therapies, and more help than I can give her. As I wait here for the psych consult, I am praying that God will miraculously provide a solution for us. May it be new meds, a new doc, a hospital that will admit her despite the fact that she has no insurance....I don't care. She just needs help.

In fact....we BOTH need help. I need help. I can not do this anymore. It's not that I am throwing up my hands in surrender because the task is tiring and difficult. That's not it at all. I am willing to walk this rocky path. I just simply need help caring for her...this is so much bigger than what i understand. I have no knowledge or experience in this area. I have been blessed with wonderful resources along the way....Debbie, a friend from church, has been an encourager and helped give me advice about where to take her. Danielle, a dear friend in Nebraska, is praying....I KNOW she is praying. That means the world to me. My best friend Katie flew in from Dallas to surprise me for my birthday....and we spent the day sitting together in the ER waiting room watching Brian Regan and Tim Hawkins clips. And, of course, my darling husband. He. is. amazing. I could NOT do any of this without him. enough said.

Even with all that help, it is time to start letting go. My wishing that she will get better is not helping any. I need to find a place where she can live and be treated by medical professionals. Will you please pray that she would be admitted to the hospital? Will you please pray that we find a short term solution we can all live with? Will you please pray that we find an appropriate long term solution that will help her become functional again?

But first, will you please pray that this psych doc gets here soon. We've been waiting since 7:00.

If only...

As this momentous week unfolds before me I am seemingly stuck in a reminiscent state. I am thinking about all that has happened in the last 5 years. We have moved to a new state, added 2 children to our family, dealt with divorce and mental illness, seen 2 pastors come and go at our church, buried more than 5 family members...the list goes on and on. I can only pray that the next five years are not so littered with giant events. But, as I learn more and more about life I can rest knowing that although I know life will not slow down at all, I have a God who will carry me through it all.

But, I digress. Back to my reminiscing. Tomorrow I take my oldest son to Kindergarten. Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited. I know he will love it. I know I will love it too. It's just the end of this part of my life with him. I bawled like a baby into my husband's chest last night. Between sobs I could barely utter the words, "nothing will ever be the same." My sweet husband just held me close and said, "you're right baby, but with change comes the potential for an even greater life." He's such a wise man.

Despite his wise words (which, incidentally, I know in my head...and somewhere deep down in my heart....to be true) I can't help but think....

IF ONLY...
there were a machine that would freeze time. As frustrating as life can be sometimes with 3 little ones at home, I would freeze it and live life this way forever. I LOVE staying at home with my babies. Aside from my freedom in Christ and the thrill of being married to Rayden, it is my greatest joy.

IF ONLY...
they would let mommies stay at kindergarten all day. Hey, I like file folder games. I could use some brushing up on my math and reading skills. It only seems fair....he's my baby. Why can't I stay? What's that?....the other moms might think I am weird. I don't care.

IF ONLY...
I had not been so concerned with how my house looked and what chores needed to be done. Then, I could have stockpiled more amazing memories with Kaleb. This is a lesson that I am learning...finally. Laundry and dishes can wait. The dust and clutter will still be there at naptime. I must force myself to let go of the need to keep a perfect home and embrace the moments of laughter and wonder that accompany playing with my kids.

IF ONLY...
there was a way to show Rayden the depth of my gratitude. He works so hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home and be with our kids. Some men don't want their wives to stay home, and yet others still aren't in the position to give their wives that gift. I am blessed that Rayden has the job that he has, it pays just enough and gives him amazing flexibility. He is so amazing to work with me to make financial sacrifices so that I can stay home. He may never know....this side of Heaven....what an amazing gift this is to me. I will work hard to show him my gratitude.

IF ONLY...
there were a way to ensure my son's health, safety, and success. I have worked so hard to protect him these 5 years. It is scary to let go and not know what he is facing....who he is interacting with....what he will see, hear, taste, touch, feel. I am embracing the reality that I can not control these things in his life. I am thankful that we have a God who is more concerned with his well-being and success than I am. I am praying that God would give me His heart. That I would want God's will for Kaleb over my own. That God's definition of success would overtake my own. Kaleb has never been mine....he is on loan from the Lord. I am blessed to care for him. It is my privilege and honor (and greatest challenge) to release Him daily to the Lord's hands.

I am scared and excited about this new chapter in life. I am certainly excited to see what God has in store for my little man. I believe with all my heart that God wants him to be a leader. I believe that God wants to use Kaleb to be a shining example of Truth. I am praying that Kaleb will learn to hear God's voice and obey it no matter the cost. I am also praying that as he steps out into a dark world that he will rely on the Lord, shine God's light, and develop a burden for the lost. May it be so, Lord.

Maybe you feel like me at back to school time. Maybe you have hard things ahead. I don't know what you are facing this week. Maybe there are a lot of "if only's" in your life too. If you let me know what they are I will pray for you. Please lift me up as I work to release Kaleb to the Lord in this new way. Let's journey together to bring God glory.

"the coupon queen"

Our church's monthly newsletter came out last week. On the back page was an invitation to all the ladies to come to Girls' Night Out on September 18th. The featured speaker?....ME! You may be wondering...."what on earth would she have to teach anyone?" I am guessing you are wondering that, because I was wondering that as well. The subject is not spiritual.....well, wait, I take that back. The subject is not obviously spiritual. I am going to talk about saving money....namely how to save money by using coupons. This is my new great obsession. And I think it's fitting that women learn about this. If we can save money we will be less likely to plunge ourselves into debt (which the Bible repeatedly reminds us is a sin) and we will have more freedom in our budget for giving. Not to mention....getting a really good deal is a fantastic reminder of what joy feels like!

Let me show you the loot I came home with tonight. I did my research, I clipped my coupons, and I went out to 4 different stores. Here is what I came home with...





Rite Aid: pantiliners, toothpaste, and toothbrush (retail value $7) I spent .64!
Walmart: 2 Apple slice and caramel dip packs, smart ones entree, Glade oil candle, oil candle refills, Glade Sense and Spray starter kit (retail- $14.92) I spent $5.76!

Walgreens- 2 Dr Pepper popsicles (bet you can't guess who these are for!), 2 500mL Listerine, Jergens Hydrating body lotion, 2 Reach toothbrushes, Toothpaste, 2 chapsticks, 3 packages highlighters, and a $5 credit towards my next purchase (retail- $26.68) I spent $8.25!

Target- 2 boxes of poptarts, 4 bananas, 6 Granny Smith apples, 2 Cascade rinsing agent, Reach toothbrush, 4 packages Bic pens (retail- $16.50) I spent $1.81!

Tonight I came home with $65 worth of merchandise for just about $15.00! And I have a $5 credit at Walgreens to start my shopping next week. I guess the church newsletter was right...maybe I am the "coupon queen."

If you are reading this and you leave near me I would love to have you come to FHCC's Girls' Night Out in September. If you don't live near me but still want some advice on trimming your budget by using coupons I would love to give you some resources. It is my goal to honor God in ALL areas of my life....money is no exception. Rayden and I worked very hard this last year to get ourselves out of debt. Praise the Lord....by His faithfulness the only debt we have now is our Mini van and our home (which is considered an investment.....not a debt). We are hoping to begin paying off our minivan faster....and then the budget will be much more open to bless others and give more generously.

I challenge you to take a look at your spending. Is it under control or is it controlling you? Work to get out of debt. Tithe and give sacrificial offerings to your church. Bless others. Save for the future. Invest in what matters. In all things we can honor the Lord and shine so that others might know what a difference He can make!

A rated-R post (consider yourself warned)

I love having boys. Don't get me wrong, Aubri is my princess and my best buddy and I am totally smitten with her. But my boys....they light up my world. Not to mention, keep me rolling with laughter. Last night was no exception.

We always bathe our 3 kids together....they are young....they don't know anything different....we'll stop soon, I promise! Anyway, Rayden got the kids out of the tub one by one and sent them to me (waiting in the living room with jammies in hand). Kaleb emerged from our room with a serious look on his face. He also looked a bit shy....totally out of character. I bent down to see if he wanted to whisper the earth-shattering thoughts that were swirling around in his head into my ear. Oh. my. goodness. I am SO glad he shared.

"Mommy...there are beans in there."

"in where"

"in THERE." (pointing towards his boy parts)

I look at Rayden in confusion. His eyes widen at me as if to say, "you know what he's talking about....think for a minute and it will come to you." And after a minute....it DID come to me.

"OHHHH! Well, baby, those are called testicles. They are not beans. They are part of what makes your body works. Sorta like how you have a heart and lungs and a bladder....you can't see them, but they are doing their part to keep your body working. Your testicles do the same thing....and by the way, we don't touch them okay!?"

"Well, they sure feel like beans."

And off he went....totally unimpressed with my health lesson. Perfectly content to believe that he has beans in his penis. Oh well, he's 5. I guess we can have that discussion later.