one year down....

...and hopefully many more to go.

I'm referring to the amount of time that has gone by since my dad's seizure. It was last year this time when Josh and my dad came down to celebrate Nathan's birthday. The day before his party we went outside to play. Aubri (just 6 months old) was hungry so I came in to feed her some rice cereal. I plopped down on the living room floor and began to spoon that lovely mess into her tiny....but welcoming...mouth. Josh followed me in to keep me company. Then came my dad. He sat on the couch and we were all watching basketball. The rest of the story is forever etched in "glorious" detail in my mind...

Josh and I started talking about him working out and going to the gym. He was telling me about it when my dad interjected. He started talking about basketball stats....but every couple of words he uttered something about a straight line. It was weird. It was scary. Josh and I just looked at each other as if to question whether or not dad was pulling our legs and just being goofy. Then, Josh started to leave the room. I looked at my dad in the eyes and said, "dad...you are not making any sense. ARE YOU OKAY?" He jerked his head all the way to the right....his right arm drew inward and upward...and he said "I think so". At that moment....I knew something was terribly wrong. I ran to get Rayden yelling, "Come help...I think my dad is having a stroke" When we got back inside, Josh was saying "Call 911, call 911" and was holding my dad while he seized. I grabbed all 3 babies and darted for the bedroom. Rayden called 911 and talked to the paramedics and laid my dad down on the couch. I was never so thankful to be stuck in a room with kids in all my life. I did NOT want to see one more second of what was happening in my living room. I set the boys up with a computer game and used my cell phone to try to call a friend to ask people to pray. Only....I couldn't remember anyone's phone numbers. I also couldn't remember how to use the phone book of my cell phone. All I could do was grab my babies and pray. So I prayed...and prayed....and prayed. The kids were well occupied so I snuck out to see if the EMTs had arrived yet. They had not. My dad wasn't shaking violently or anything, but he was kind of quiverring and his breathing sounded so scary. His cheeks were limp and so they were flapping as he pushed air in and out of his lungs. I went up to him and put my hand on his face. He was cold and clammy. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. I didn't know if he could see me or not, but I just stroked his face and said, "Don't worry daddy...help is coming...our God is bigger than this." The ambulance came and they took him away. Josh went with him and Rayden offered to stay with the kids so I could go to. I declined. I feel bad about that now. Josh had to do that by himself. He was so strong and brave. I was terrified. I stayed at the house until someone came to get the kids and then I went off to the hospital. When I got there Rayden was waiting for me and our pastor, Danny, was already there. One thing that man is gifted at is being there for people in their moment of need. I went back and joined my dad and brother. I followed them as they wheeled my dad to his curtained area. I remember looking at josh and grabbing his hand as we walked. Silently I was telling him that we would get through this together.

The next few days were crazy. A doctor pulled us into a room to tell us there was a mystery "spot" on my dad's brain. I found out my dad had a girlfriend. I had to rely on other people to care for my kids and do all the prep work for Nathan's birhtday party. I was a wreck. I was panicked. I was scared. So many thoughts flew in and out of my mind...

-is my dad going to die?
-how can I really know that my dad is saved?
-is this genetic?
-will this allow for my parents to get back together?

Anyhow, long story short (or I guess shorter)...my dad is fine. The "spot" on his brain is from the radiation he went through a few years ago for cancer. He has to take medication now for the rest of his life, but any future seizures are unlikely.

This event marked a beginning for me. Actually, a few beginnings. It certainly marked the beginning of the most difficult year of my life. It marked the beginning of a struggle with anxiety for me. It marked the beginning of a newfound respect for my brother and my husband. It marked the beginning of the Lord showing me how He is intertwined in every aspect of our lives.

I guess I am writing about all this in the hopes that it is somewhat theraputic for me. I still have nightmares about that day. I can still see him lying on the couch when I close my eyes. My heart still stops for a second when he pauses on the phone.

I am glad that we are a whole year away from that day. I will be glad when we are 2...3...7....20 years from that day.


Praise you, Lord, for how you watch over us and care for us. Praise you for being good. Praise you for carrying me. Praise you for restored health. Praise you that you are working to restore peace and rest into my life. Praise you...just because.