4 generations

This Christmas brought together 4 generations of ladies in my family. This is the first time this has ever happened. It was very special. This picture will forever be so meaningful to me because it captures the joy found in family and the priceless nature of the bond of womanhood. This picture has some of my favorite people in all the world in it (and don't think I mean me....I am not that self-involved....sheesh!)

My Little Grandma....don't ask me why I call her that. I am not entirely sure. All I know is that for as long as I can remember I have had a little grandma and a big grandma. I can only assume that I came up with these names because one of my grandmas is little....about 5 foot 2 and one is big....well....at least biggER that 5 foot 2. (I'm a genius, I know...)

Small side note here....a while back my big grandma wrote me a letter in which she included a post script. It read...."P.S. Do you know what you call me big grandma? Well, one day when you were about 3 we were taking a walk and I asked you why you called me that and you said it was because I had big boobies." Random post script I must say....and I can't speak to the validity of this statement because I have no recollection of this conversation. So, for the sake of not sounding utterly ridiculous, I am sticking to the story of naming them based on their height.

Okay....back to my little grandma. This woman is amazing. She is feisty, hilarious, full of life, determined, and stubborn as heck. (I'd use a different word here, but I am married to a pastor and it may not seem appropriate!). She has been through so much in her lifetime....losing her son when he was just 6 years old to ether pneumonia, losing her husband just a few short years later to a freak car accident, surviving an abusive and alcoholic second husband, being a single mom to 3 girls, helping her daughter struggle through mental illness, caring for another daughter who is dying of ALS, and the list goes on and on. Praise the Lord that my grandma is a believer because I don't know how you could walk a road like that any other way. And praise God for his perfect timing because she didn't give her life to Christ until about 7 years ago. My little grandma has taught me how to be strong and how to laugh in the face of terrifying times. She is a blessing to me and to all who know her.

My mom. What a road we have walked together. I spent most of my growing up years mad at my mom. I was mad at her for her high expectations of me. I was mad at her for how judgemental she seemed. I was mad at her for how she treated my dad. I was mad at her for the unfair treatment I felt I was getting. Mainly though, I think I was just mad that we weren't close....like I desperately wanted to be. Maybe I glamorized the mother-daughter relationship so much and had an unrealistic picture of what it was supposed to be. Or maybe, because we were both oldest children we were both too stubborn and hardheaded to let our guards down with each other. Who knows? Whatever the case, we weren't close. But then, I myself became a mom. All of a sudden I saw her in a different light. All of a sudden she became very present in my life. Things seemed to be turning around. I needed her and she was willing and pleased to swoop in and be what i needed her to be. But then...DIVORCE. My parents split up. I made it clear to them that I was against their choice. I told her that I thought God's best was reconciliation. I told both my parents that although their sins were many that they could be forgiven by God and they could work to forgive one another. I think that conversation drove a wedge between me and my mom....or it at least reminded us of the wedge that was already there. She began to shut me out. She stopped calling. She didn't come to Memphis when my daughter was born. I began to shut her out too because the pain she had caused me was so great. I felt so abandoned and hurt. The walls I were building around my heart were growing very tall. Since then I have had to demolish that wall brick by brick as I have cared for my mom in her new life (one full of hospitals, medications, and dementia). What a humbling experience it is now to mother my own mother. It is truly as if all 28 of our previous years of "wedges" has melted away and all I feel is love for her. Oh sure....the day to day stuff of caring for her needs gets really annoying sometimes....but love and loyalty to my mother is most pervading.

Then there's me. What can I say about me? Let's see...I'm 29, I am 5 foot 2, I weigh about 20 pounds more than I should. Maybe I should dig a little deeper. I am a mother who feels like I fail more than I succeed. I am someone who easily overcommits myself and then becomes frozen in an overwhelmed state. I am plagued by anxiety over medical issues (I am currently medicated for this and am also going to a psychologist) and I am trying to lose weight through weight watchers (this is most certainly an up and down battle). But, if I am going to sift through what's on the inside I must admit that I do see some good stuff in there too. Although I seem to fail a lot as a mother, I am fiercely committed to my children and to praying for their salvation and spiritual health. I know that God is the one who will capture their hearts and lead them to great things. And even though I say yes more times than I should, I LOVE to serve my God and His people. I know He has gifted me so that I can be a blessing, and I am doing my best to do just that. And yes, I do battle anxiety (ever since my dad's seizure 2 years ago), but I am pretty proud of myself that I sought help and am not content to just live this way. I am battling this disease....I will NOT let it rule me. I am determined to struggle against the enemy and let God have every victory in my life. So in conclusion, I've got some crud in me (don't we all) and by God's grace there are a few redeeming qualities tucked away inside this body. I pray that my life may testify to the fact that God is real and that He is in the business of redeeming all things to Himself.

And finally, my baby girl....Aubri Jane. This little lady amazes me daily. How on earth did I ever get so blessed to be chosen as her mommy? She brings me such joy. She makes me laugh. She is teaching me what it means to be feminine and gentle. One of my favorite things she does is when you put her in her crib she whispers, "pray for me." Isn't that so sweet? Those words melt my heart each night as I cry out to God...begging Him for the day of her salvation. She is truly a princess and I pray that she will always see herself just as God sees her.