I'm learning a lot about myself. Dealing with my mom and her mental illness has taught me more about myself that I could have ever dreamed. Some of it I am thrilled about....other things make me cringe. But, praise the Lord that he is still working on me....thank you Jesus for not giving up on me!
Yesterday was a rough day....not in regards to MY mom....but in regards to dealing with Rayden's family. For whatever reason, things has been strained between us and them. It was really easy for me to just blame them and remain blameless in my own eyes. Yesterday, though, God blew the door wide open on my heart and let me know how ugly I was being.
The Lord help me see that I have put this wall up around my heart that allows me to keep people's love at bay. I think I have done that out of protection. I spent most of my growing up years feeling like I had to impress my mom....like I had to earn her love and favor. I simply wanted her to be proud of me, but she was very conservative in showing me how she felt. That broke my heart over and over. I guess I laid up a wall as a way of protecting myself from disappointing anyone and allowing her to hurt me any more.
This wall, though, has caused lots of problems for me with Rayden's mom. She very liberally offers unconditional love and acceptance. This was so foreign to me. At first it scared me and overwhelmed me. Later it just frustrated me. Yesterday I so clearly heard the Lord saying, "Sarah, you are breaking her heart just like your mom broke yours. You are making her earn your acceptance instead of freely offering it." OUCH!
I have repented. I have made a phone call to Jerry and asked for forgiveness. I am praising the Lord that he is making my heart look more like his. I know that this battle to tear down this wall (and keep it down) is not over. My heart doesn't really know how to accept her love and lavish pride in me. But what I told her on the phone last night is that I want to start trying. And that is the truth of my life....I WILL TRY.
I love Ephesians 5:10. It says, "Try and discern what it pleasing to the Lord." It's freeing to me that the Bible doesn't say, "just do it." It says, "try". I can do that. I can try. That's what I ask my kids to do.....TRY. If they can do it....so can I. Will you commit with me to try try and see what pleases the Lord?
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2 comments:
Wow Sarah, thank you for sharing with such humility. Isn't it fun when the Lord speaks to us so bluntly? I'm sure glad He does though...sometimes it's the only way to get to me :)
Perfect love casts out all fear. Paul hit it with that one. And that is stinkin' scary! What does that say when I am afraid? about others? about me? about the idol I'm calling the Lord when I'm fearing for He does elicit fear (at least the kind it's talking about in 1 John 4:18).
All that to say, I don't know if what I said above is right or not, but I know that walls, and love, and accepatance, and fear are scary, but you're not alone. A lot of us are on the same battlefronts with our wounds fresh and open fighting for greater freedom and healing.
You don't give up and I won't either and we can support one another on the way. To God be the glory.
Thank you for your witness.
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