numbness

To say that much has happened in the last year would be an understatement. Each of the last few years I think that we will finally close the chapter on a year of large, catastrophic events. And, unfortunately, each year I have been wrong. I don't know what the Lord is up to, but I'm hoping it's big....and GOOD!

This "adventure" I have been on with my mom has been...well....adventuresome. We've been to ERs, psychiatrists, government agencies, banks, mental hospitals, rehabilitation centers, labs, doctors, and finally a neurologist. We ended at the neurologist. And that is where we have found our answer. Frontotempural dementia.

I'm no doctor (nor do I play one on TV) but the best I can gather is that this is a form of dementia striking people between the ages of 40 and 70. It affects the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe of the brain (hence the name of the disease). These are the portions of the brain that affect language and personality.

Anyway...enough medical mumbo jumbo. What it means is that she will not get better. In fact, she will get worse. Way worse. Most websites are saying that once diagnosed you can expect to live another 2 to 9 years.

Not a great diagnosis....but, oddly I am relieved. I am relieved to finally know what we are up against. I am glad that this "monster" has a name now. Now....I have something to aim my anger at.

Although, to be perfectly honest. I'm not really that angry. Oh, don't get me wrong...I want my mom back and I hate what has happened. But, as a whole my level of feeling has gone down drastically in the last while. You would think I would be on this emotional roller coaster....but, I'm just not. In fact, I kinda feel numb.

I think I have unconsciously built this wall up in my life to protect myself from feeling pain. I think it started innocently enough....the pain of my parent's divorce and then my mothers devastating illness proved to be a bit too scary for me to run headlong into. But, the wall grew without me even knowing it. Now I feel a bit stuck inside this box that I myself created. And while the pain and the sorrow are safely on the other side....where I can't see it and it can't get to me....joy, peace, and love are out there with it.

I have learned that you can't choose to feel some things while pretending that other feelings don't exist. In order to be a whole....and complete....person you must walk through EVERY season and be willing to tackle EVERY feeling that comes with EVERY situation. If you shut out pain you will inevitably close yourself off to feeling other wonderful things as well.

God is taking me through an interesting journey. I am asking him to brick by brick remove the joy-stealing walls that I built. Asking for forgiveness all along the way. So far I don't feel much progress. But, I will wait upon the Lord....knowing and believing that this is a prayer he is more than pleased to answer.

I am anxious to FEEL again....whatever that may mean. I am ready to deal with what I find as I crawl out from under the wreckage. Please pray for me....it's been a while since I have been out of this box.

it had to happen sometime....

I gained weight at my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this week. Even though I was only up .2 pounds, I was bummed. In my 10 weeks prior I had lost every single week. I am up to a total of 12.4 pounds. It doesn't seem like much when I say it like that, but what I am most thrilled with is how my clothes fit. I have had to buy new pants because I have gone from a size 12-14 to a size 8-10! I was even able to buy a size 8 dress for Rayden's cousin's wedding last weekend! The last size 8 I remember buying was my wedding dress!

I am not sure what this week's weigh-in will hold. It's been a rough week. I moved my mom into her assisted living facility on Tuesday...and as it turns out I am an emotional eater. So....I ate....and ate....and ate some more this week. Hopefully the scale won't be too terribly cruel.

Not only have I learned that I am an emotional eater, but this process has taught me so much more about myself. I have learned that I tend to eat when I am bored. Now....if only I would put down the food and pick up a duster....or a vacuum....or some Windex....then I would be skinny AND a good housekeeper! Second, I enjoy instant gratification. Slow and steady is not my cup of tea....just call me a big ole fat hare. The turtle is not my friend. But, you can't rush weight loss....well I guess you can, but let's be real....I fear vomiting almost more than death itself, so bulimia will never be part of my weight loss journey.

Anyway, I digress. It's been a wild ride. I need to get back on track because the end result excites me. If I have gone down 2 sizes in just 12 pounds, what will happen with the next 15? I can't wait to find out!

Tom's Farm outing

Our church reserve 3 bonfires at a local pumpkin patch this last weekend, so of course we joined in the fun. We roasted hot dogs, made smores, went on a hayride, picked pumpkins straight off the vine, posed for pictures, played on the playground, and enjoyed sweet fellowship with over 100 of our church members. It was an awesome time.

This is Nathan and Emma (Nathan always refers to her as either "my emma" or "emma shoowa....her last name is Schuler) They are total love birds. Emma's mom, Amy, and I are good friends. We "support" their childhood romance but have both had to stop them several times from giving each other kisses on the lips. We now have a firm rule in this family that you only "lip kiss" someone in your family or someone that you are ALREADY married too (Nathan and Emma both proclaim freely that they are going to marry each other someday!)

We're hoping that this event becomes a yearly thing for our church. If not, I can guarantee it will be for our family. This week we will work to carve our pumpkins and have some family prayer time....look for a spooktacular post on this soon!