what a mighty good man

Remember that group "TLC." I used to love them....but there words were a bit racy for a young innocent girl like me so I never listened to them until I was in college. They have a song about a guy....actually, they probably have lots of songs about one guy or another, but the song I am referring to is "what a man".

Do you know that one? Well, let me hum a few bars for you....

"What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

Sheer lyrical genius, right? Well, it may not be eloquently stated, but these words most certainly describe the fellow that God sent into my life for me to journey with.

Let me just say it for the record....Rayden Hollis is the most amazing man I have ever met. There you have it. I know lots of women think they have the greatest husband around, but I am going to have to burst their bubble right here and now. They simply cannot have the greatest husband because I do.

Not only does he help me with housework (even without me asking....that's right ladies....he takes housecleaning initiative!). He also does more than his share with the kids....playing, bathing, dressing, disciplining, etc. He also tells me DAILY how he loves me, thinks I am gorgeous, and compliments my skills. All this while leading a church. So, I am always impressed and grateful with the man that he is, but two nights ago he took my breath away.

Wednesday night was a rough one for me....to say the least. I had a meltdown of epic proportions. (sure does seem like I am melting down a lot these days....hopefully this season will pass quickly) Let me give you a brief rundown:

I was laying on the couch watching tv when Rayden got back from locking up the church. I'm not sure exactly how it came up, but before I knew it I was sobbing hysterically and Rayden was rubbing my back and whispering, "I'm so sorry.....I'm just so sorry you have to go through this and feel these things."

Poor guy. He's been doing lots of counseling in his new position as senior pastor....and most of it is with his own wife!

In between sobs I was able to relay my laundry list of sorrows to my hubby. Not that he could understand me....I seriously was a blubbering mess of tear, boohoos, snot, and mascara. It wasn't pretty at all.

-I told him how I am still just so sad when I think about my mom. It just hurts my heart so badly that I have "lost" her. And even though we butted heads so much when she was well, I miss her terribly and would give almost anything to make her well again.
-I told him about the loneliness I m struggling with. Don't get me wrong, the people in our church have been so warm and welcoming, but it takes time to forge real and deep friendships. I am missing my people. Oh how I am treasuring Lindsey, Karen, Danielle, and Katie. I am praying that God will send me some kindred spirits her in Bolivar.
-I spilled my guts about how I wished I was closer to my brothers. There is truly no way to describe how proud of my brothers I am....how much I love them....how much I enjoy being around them. I'm sure it didn't help that I had just finished watching a DVRed episode of "Brothers and Sisters" where they all live in the same town and see each other almost daily. I've decided that growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be. When you grow up you end up moving away from the very people who helped you live life the first 7000 days you are on this earth. What a rip off!
-I revealed my fear that I am not succeeding as a mother. I know every mom thinks this from time to time. Makes sense to just heap this quilt on top of all the other woes I feel right now.
- I boohooed about the boxes that are still all over our house. I shared how my motivation to get them unpacked is lessening by the nanosecond.
-I cried about how crummy I feel physically. I know it's not great timing, but I decided to wean myself off of my anxiety medication to see how I do without it. As I type this I am sort of realizing what a bad decision that might be for me right here in this moment. Oh well, I'm too far in to back out now. But, coming off of Lexipro makes you feel really dizzy and forgetful. You feel kinda achy and flu-like. It really makes my heart go out to drug addicts who are trying to get clean. This is a much harder process than I anticipated.
-And finally, I wept over my newest hurt. I hesitate to even write about it, because it involves one of my most faithful readers and lots of people who know him. But, it's my blog....it's about my hurts, feelings, and journey. This is a very real part of my journey and it's not as if I can be honest about who I am and how I am trying to bring honor to God in everything without sharing this part of my story. My new wound involves my dad. I love him with all my heart. He means the world to me. He's my daddy....no matter what....not one choice he or I make will change that. But, I learned earlier this week that he plans to move in with his girlfriend (the woman he cheated on my mom and us with). I'm not sure how to handle this. Hence, the sobbing on the couch. I'll leave it at that....there are many more details than that, but they aren't necessary.

So, I basically spewed all this out in a matter of about 45 seconds as I snotted all over my sweet and unassuming husband. He teared up too as he tried his best to bring comfort and point me to the Lord. He rubbed my back, got me a kleenex, offered sweet words of encouragement, and prayed over me. And not once did he mention how hideous I must have looked with streaks of mascara going down my face, puffy and red eyes, and dried snot swiped across my cheeks. I told you....he's a mighty good man!

And on top of all of that....the next morning he let me sleep in until 10:00. He got the kids breakfast, took Kaleb to school, did 2 loads of laundry, and unloaded over 5 of our leftover boxes. He hung pictures that needing hanging, took the trash to the dumpster, and did it all with a smile on his face.

So, you see what I'm saying? I think you'd agree that when casting your ballot for greatest man alive you'd have to mark the box next to "Rayden Hollis."

And on top of all of that....he's famous. He was in the Bolivar paper this Wednesday.

sucker punch

This morning I was perusing facebook....minding my own business when I happened upon a quote that stung a little bit. A former student of ours, Matt Swaringim, posted this as his status...

"Lack of motivation is caused by the lack of hope"

I guess the reason this stings so badly is because there are still unpacked boxes all over our house and garage. When we first moved in I was pumped about unpacking and organizing....it seemed thrilling to me. Unfortunately that feeling only stayed with me for about a week. Now...a whole month later....I am battling to complete the process. So, reading this statement makes me question the why behind my seeming inability to finish this project. Perhaps it is, in fact, lack of hope.

I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment. There are bills to be paid....both mine and my moms. And we are working from 2 checking accounts....one in Memphis and one in bolivar. And I have already mentioned the boxes that still need unpacking. In addition, i am trying to meet people and develop real and meaningful friendships. I wish the process of becoming intimate friends didn't take so stinkin' long!

I wonder if I have lost a little hope during this transition time. Before you move you build things up in your mind so big in order to stomach the pain of leaving a place you love that there is no possible way that your expectations can be met. When you expect more than you get, you lose some hope.

Please don't mishear me. I am NOT hopeless. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness (insert organ music here). But, I do think that I may just be a little bit down. Perhaps it is because it is taking longer for Bolivar to feel like home than I expected. Perhaps it is because I am currently going through some withdrawal symptoms since stopping some medication I was on. Or perhaps, this is merely a season of life hat I am passing through.

Whatever the case, I am certain of these things...
-my God will be the same after this is over as He was before it began.
-I will make it through this...His grace is sufficient to carry me through any circumstance.
-I WILL finish unpacking our boxes...even if I do it kicking and screaming....I WILL do it.

in my mailbox....

I love the feeling of a full mailbox. Wait....let me rephrase that. I love when my mailbox is full of things other than bills. I love getting magazines that I can peruse through at leisure. I love getting letters and cards from friends. And I love getting FREE stuff. I sign up for just about every free sample there is. www.hip2save.com informs you of all kinds of samples you can get. I can not tell you how profitable this has been for me. I often even sign up for things I don't use....I may decide to try a new product or I may decide to gift it to a friend or donate it to charity.

Today was an especially great mail day. A while ago I signed up for a box of free samples from the post office. It was a new promotion they were offering. In the box was:

-a Dove candy bar
-3 packets of splenda and a coupon for splenda
- a trial size secret clinical strength
- trial size Aveeno hand cream
- a trial size Aveeno firming night cream
-trial size Aveeno shampoo and conditioner
-coupons for Aveeno worth $3
-full size Grill Mates steak seasoning
-one bengay heat wrap
-2 tasters choice flavored instant coffees
-2 shower to shower body wash samples

Can you believe it? I was so excited!

it just now hit me...

It's not like it snuck up on me. We knew about our move for a little over a month. I think I was just in "doing" mode and I wasn't letting myself think about what it really meant. I knew that it meant a new church and a new home....the possibility of new ministry really excited me. I was anxiously anticipating all that God was going to do in and through us in Bolivar. I guess I neglected to think about the reality that moving means you leave some things behind....namely friends. And not just any friends....but friends who have become your family. Friends who nurtured you through the birth of a child, the divorce of your parents, the disease of you mother, the loss of 4 grandparents in under 4 months. Those kind of friends are hard to say goodbye to. And it wasn't until I saw them all in one place that I realized what we were about to do. So, what happened next....well, I bawled like a baby. Not just a tiny tear trickling down my cheek as I look gratefully out at a sea of people I love. No....that would have been much less embarrassing. I, instead, put my head in my hands and wept....rather uncontrollably I might add. My body was doing this weird twitching, shaking, heaving sort of motion as I wailed. I pulled it together....not as soon as I would have liked...but I was able to enjoy one last evening with some of my favorite people in all the world. We have been so blessed with great friends. And it may sound silly, but that was something I thought I might never have. Oh sure, I have had friends my whole life. But I was too terribly insecure to really let anyone see who I really was....warts and all. (not literal warts, mind you....that'd be a bit weird). These are some of the first people God has sent my way that have made me feel truly accepted and loved no matter what. If Danielle Lee and Katie Hayes could've been there my life would have been complete! Regardless, I have learned alot from these friends....I have gained enough security in who I am (and who God is inside of me) that I feel confident to step out and make new friends here in Missouri. The kind of friends that become your family....because who knows what they might have to help us walk through in the next 5 years.

Amy, Deidra, Me, and sweet little MaryAnne (she's Emma's older sister....so someday she'll be Nathan's sis-in-law!)
Nathan is "confessing with his mouth" that Jesus is Lord!

Ms. Kimberlayhey and sweet Lana

This is the moment when the BooHooing commenced....Barry was preparing to pray over us and I couldn't hold it in any longer. It was a meltdown of epic proportions.

We had the BEST teenagers while at Forest Hill. It was great to have so many people love on us and our kids! We are better for having known them.

Kimberly, Amy, me, and Karen. Such sweet friends!

Could God have sent me a more perfect friend. I am missing Lindsey like crazy!

Rayden and Mike. Great buddies....and kudos to Mike for getting our house rented! Hooray!

Kaleb, Luke, and "big" Caroline. She's not at all big....but the other Caroline is just 6...so she's been termed "little". Gotta love the logic of a 5 year old.

Mr. Richie and Jack Jack....some of our favorite guys around!

Tiger basketball

There is this phenomena in Memphis known as Tiger basketball. Mempians go bananas over their Tigers. They bleed blue. We managed to make it out of there without changing the color of our blood (we still bleed orange (for the Oklahoma state Cowboys) and red (for Cardinal baseball)). We actually had never even been to a Tiger basketball game in all the years we lived there until about 3 weeks before we moved. Our sweet friends, the Hollands, got us tickets to join the pep bands for a game. Nick is the director of bands for the University of Memphis....we felt famous being with such "Memphis royalty"!

Loving on the Tiger....Nathan first.....then Kaleb and Caroline.

Watching the action....although I think his favorite parts were the treats from the concession stand!

Kaleb loved sporting the light-up blue glasses as he cheered the Tigers to victory!

"are they twins?"

This is the question I consistently get asked about the boys every year from February 22nd until April 28th. In between those dates they are the same age. Right now, they are both 5 (at least for 3 more days....then K-man will be 6).

I get so many different reactions when I tell people they are just 10 months apart. From a mouth-dropping look of dumbfoundment (I think I my have just created that word) to rhetorical and satiric questions like, "you do know how this happens, right?" Just think if I told them that they are really 9 months and 24 days apart! Regardless, I just smile politely and remind them (and myself) how blessed I truly am. God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us Nathan.

Nathan is truly a gift (that's what his name means). We didn't plan on him....duh....I found out I was preggo when Kaleb was 10 weeks old. But God knew that our family would not be complete without Him. Praise God that He knows better than me what I need.

Here are some (much overdue) pictures from my middle child's 5th birthday party. And a big thanks and shout-out go to my sweet friend Karen who lent me her camera at the party so I could record this blessed event!

Totally ashamed

I am mortified that it has been over an entire month since I last posted anything. It's not been because nothing has been going on. Indeed....the opposite is true. LOTS has been happening. I will give you a brief rundown (you can thank me later) and then I will try and go back and post pictures and more details later. Here are the Hollis family's comings and goings in the last month or so:

-Nathan turned 5. We celebrated for the 3rd straight year at RiverCity Gymnastics. He had over 20 friends help him celebrate this momentous occasion. And now, I have 2 five year old boys living in my house (please keep me on your prayer list)

-We resigned from Forest Hill Community Church. We were already looking for another job (as a senior pastor) but we did not already have one "locked up". It was a giant leap of faith.....scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

-We went in view of a call at Southern Hills Baptist Church in Bolivar, Mo.

-Rayden accepted the job as senior pastor at Southern Hills. There were more "no" votes than we were hoping for, but we both recognize that the older generations have a more difficult time accepting that my husband wears jeans to preach and doesn't stand behind a pulpit.

-I had to talk to my mother about why it would be inappropriate for her to have sex with her "boyfriend" at her assisted living facility. Gasp! Talk about a conversation I never thought I would have to have. That is the understatement of the year. It's a very long (and humorous and sad and confusing) story that deserves it's own post....so we'll just stop here for now.

-I took my mother to Pennsylvania to visit with her sister who is struggling with ALS. It seems to be progressing quickly so I wanted her to have some time with her sister before she passes. It was a difficult trip (mainly because I was stuck in the car with a dementia patient for 30 hours). More on this trip to come too.

-We had a big going away party 2 nights before we moved. It was so fun...and so emotional. I had not cried about moving until this night. So many amazing friends came to wish us well. It was very touching.

-We moved. We now live in Bolivar, Mo in the parsonage that our church owns. It is wonderful. Although, I am sick of seeing boxes around my house still. We've been here less than 2 weeks, but I wish we were done and completely settled. Oh well....we'll get there one box at a time.

-I am totally in love with Kaleb's new school. It has been awesome! I will tell you why later.

Well....that's the brief version. I will give more details and show you some pictures later. But for now, there are more boxes to be unpacked and I am packing a suitcase so that Rayden and I can head back to Memphis tomorrow for a wedding (and so that we can pack up my mom's things and bring her to an assisted living facility here in Bolivar). Lots to do! Ta ta for now!